Daddy Daughter Conversations

 Dear Gentle Readers!

I come into a still place of process. I come sharing that I do not want to be part of the trials and tribulations, a strong soldier list as part of being in the Army of the LORD. Take me out of the game, coach (not death), but this game. This part of the process… this lesson plan…this moment. Fast-forward me to the “finish work”, the “victory place”, the blessed place.”I don’t want the trials and tribulations!!!

I know you are wondering where this is coming from…. Well…. last week, my mom got the news that she had cancer, and this week we got the news of the status. So, on Monday morning, while my mom was in Birmingham, Alabama, and I was in Washington state, my best friend and my mom went to her first oncologist appointment. I sat in the bed with my husband…praying… crying… being cool on the outside…but having a whole panic attack with an overstimulated nervous system. I went through the worst of the worst thoughts in preparation to execute an action plan. I created the most chaotic situation that my heart could handle. Yes, I am a therapist, and I know none of this is healthy, but here I am doing the opposite of what I tell my clients to do… sue me… I am human…lol! Before this information, I got the news that a good friend of mine died. Her death affected so many people, paralyzed a lot of us, and just made me think… What do I need to do with my time here on the other. Fast-forward in my still process about the friend’s death, I get the news about my mom. Back to the story… So my mom calls me calmly, saying… they say I have a tumor on my uterus, and nodules on my lungs. She then gave the phone to my friend, who sneaked into the bathroom to say in a shaky voice, ” Drika, it’s bad! Baby, you have to come home”. I am like ok, tell me what’s going on (I was calm when I said it) as I had her on speaker phone with my husband next to me. She then tells me the details, and I say ok, I can’t come home by Friday. Y’all, it wasn’t that I couldn’t come home, because Daddy had shown out financially, it was that I didn’t want to come home. I want to be on the road home with my husband, enjoying the open space. Being a wife and making memories. I know that sounds selfish, but here I am allowing my only child’s syndrome to speak. Yes, I am going home, but the journey is overwhelming to my soul. This was not where I wanted to be. 

If you are new here, I apologize that this is your first read. For old readers, you know your girl will spiral out of control and then come back. I call it the David complex. You know, through his psalms, he will start with praise and worship and then go into his emotions and end with praise and worship. In the words of Vivan Green… “I am on an emotional rollercoaster.” But this news does not stop the reality of GOD’s healing. I literally just wrote about the wait and how I want a baby… Now I am writing about trusting GOD again!!! Begging GOD for the miracle of healing my mother, at the same time healing me. Looking to write about the testimony.  I forgot to tell you that for the past month or two I have been praying for wisdom…. MAN, this is such a test of that. 

Today I prepare for my flight home, tomorrow I arrive, Friday I get the clarification and treatment plan of the news. But as this is taking place I am still asking GOD for wisdom. Wisdom on how to be a daughter in the midst of her own healing. How to ask for help when I am usually Miss. Independent. How to be present and not predict what GOD is going to do and how I should respond. This news is drawing me to watch GOD with my eyes wide open. Yep, I need the confirming signs, wonders, miracles, reminders, and insight. Because this feels different. It feels out of my control, and it hurts, because the fear of this healing leading to death is a reality. But I was reminded in my spiraling that I know several people who have survived this journey… Who have are walking testimonies of  GOD’s healing power and grace… And that is my stand… GOD, if you DID it for them, you do it for my mom. Give me the wisdom to do and handle the process. 

My scripture while on this journey of process, wisdom, and trust is this: “Show me your faithful love this morning. I trust you. Show me what I should do.  I put my life in your hands.”~Psalms 143:8 ERV

I am sure I am not by myself. I know someone reading this has gotten some news that has shifted them into process mode and wants to catastrophize the situation to the point you are having internal panic attacks. But let’s take a deep breath and trust the process in the midst of the news. We can’t predict what GOD is about to do, but we can be assured of one thing… It will bring Him glory and work somehow, some way in our favor… Though the grief my hid the victory.

Prayer: Daddy, the news has us discombobulated, overwhelmed, and overstimulated in solution focus process. We want the victory ASAP. We want the miracle right now. We need to see your hand at work and your peace at play. We want to trust you, but it is hard when the news is heartbreaking, when the emotions are filled with weight, when everyone is looking for us to be the faith carriers. We are lost, we are hurt, we are broke, we are speechless, and honestly, we don’t know how to pray when it comes to this news. The reality of the results runs through our heads, and they do not look like the promise of your victory. Remind us through this journey that you are the author and finisher of everything, you have equipped us with everything we need to move forward, and this is not about us; it’s about you. In Jesus Name! AMEN

As part of this news, I have rebranded myself and created a logo for this blog.  Check out @CEOtherapist22 on IG and follow me.